Signs?

Have you ever experienced having an affair with someone in your dream, while you are currently in relationship with somebody else in reality? Somehow, I need someone to help me figure out about the scenes in my dreams.

It started, I guess, weeks ago.. I dreamt of him and someone he is courting, or someone he likes.. The story goes, we were hanging out, we're at a dark place, gloomy weather.. I cannot remember the exact scene, but the thing is, they became lovers. Something has been hindering their love. I was the only one, that guy, can ever ask help with. We looked for his girl, took chances to risks. We had that time wherein we can be alone together, with no one else to lean on, but each other. Feelings emerged. We fought against what we feel, but had failed. In my dream, I have liked him, or even loved him, I guess? He did too. But finally, we found his girl. She hugged him tight, and she cried a river of tears. I was staring at them, teary eyed, I felt so broken. He looked at me with sadness, he's not hugging her back. He looked aloof, and.. and.. I woke up. HAHA! I hate that dream. I don't like him like I like him in my dream.. You know.

Waking up early in the morning, like past 1:00 am, racing yourself to breathe, that's exacly what I felt when I woke up, after that dream. I told them about it - my coleagues, including them. The girl found it funny. She really knows that I don't feel that way about her special friend. I felt really shy... Well, nothing has changed, no awkward moments.

The next time I had a dream connected to them involved my boyfriend. I was at work, the girl told me about her business, a scary business, the clients are old pervert men, and stuff. God. Luckily, my boyfriend came to fetch me. We rode his motorbike, then we tripped off, cause we were laughing. We decided to go for a walk, him, holding a camera, taking pictures, holding hands... It was then sunset, suddenly, my coleagues were in the scene. They invited us to hang out. The girl is a total biatch.. He sat beside my boyfriend and she started talking to him, no, more like seducing him. She invited him to drink... I was then going to get ice, then I turned around, facing my boyfriend. To my surprise, they were already kissing! Damn that shit. Cheaters!!! Then I woke up, breathless. I consider that, a nightmare. Grrrr!!

It is so hard having dreams like that in a long distance relationship. :( It makes me wanna cry. Now I am starting to doubt him. :(

The third dream, just today, this morning, about 2:55am, was about the guy in the first dream. The scene is at our old house. We were lying next to each other, he's hugging me from behind. I don't know what to do. It feels like, I just can't say that I don't love him. He's forcing me to hug him, to kiss him, I don't want to.. Then my mom is also there, he's trying to kiss me even if she's there. I hate him. :'( Why am I having such bad dreams. T_T God. Help me.

These dreams make me think about negative things... For even now, my boyfriend and I are having difficulties in our relationship. :(

Are these signs?

Lord. :(

Booooo. A shout for stupidity.

 

"Eeek. Eeek." The sound of our gate's small door as it swings back and forth. I was just about to move my steps forward when my mom yelled, telling me something about our store (a mini grocer store owned by her). I ran inside the house and changed off to comfy myself.

 

The weather is so hot, even if it's already the 18th day of October - less than one hundred days before Christmas. Aha! Christmas... Oooohh. I so love this season. :D

 

I went out to join my mom and my cousin at the balcony, they are reviewing lessons for the exam. Dang, I think they should just stop from studying cause it's pointless. My cousin won't get a good grade anyway. haha. I know, I'm soooo sooo bad. Ultra bad. Well, the truth hurts. No matter how hard they try teaching my seven-year-old cousin, he can't seem to learn anything. They just can't accept the fact that there's something wrong with him - a hyperactive disorder or something. LOL.

 

Booooooooooo! I can hear my brain shouting. I'm trying to erase my thoughts about him. Darn. How can I possibly stop myself from thinking about my love for him?

 

Staring at a blank space, I am drawn more and more to him. It's like a magic, a euphoric one, it kept on pulling me to that situation, a dark room filled with negative thoughts. I don't know what it is. Am I sick? God help me.

Ooops he did it again.

 

Yeah right. It's about 12:49 in the afternoon, and my thoughts are still beating around the bush. At one moment, I was not thinking about him, but the rest, I just find myself doing it. Arrrggh.

 

Well, let me check, it's been days since I talked to him. Heart-bombing, nerve-wrecking, knee-trembling, darn! I just can't get over him.

 

Last night, I was torn by the thought, "Am I going to wait for him to call or not?" If I will, is he going to call? But if I won't, what if he does?

 

It is just past 8pm and I'm already in bed. My mom fell asleep early cause she's not feeling well. I messaged my friends and after a while, they stopped replying. I don't know what to do. I was so preoccupied by negative thoughts about him, leaving me. The saddest, scarriest, and the most stupid goodbye known by everyone - the unsaid one.

 

Maybe, long distance relationships, really have this kind of dilemma. Communication problems, small things becoming bigger issues, trust, time and attention division. These things are some of the factors that influence the success of a relationship. Can love be shown by just actions? How about words? Aren't they suppose to support those gestures? *sigh*

 

Our main problem as "in relationship couple" is that, I do care a lot. I express words and actions at the same time. In his part, he does care, he does love me, but how will I know if he really love me if he doesn't reassure me? Will I just be fed off with his way of things? Daaangggg.

 

They say actions speak louder than words. I say, not all the time. Actions need words too. These two things are inseparable. Nobody can just express a vague emotion without complementing an explanation. You'll just leave everybody guessing about how you feel. How can you say "I love you" without proving it? And how will they know if you love them if you do things, but never say something about it? Nobody can ever just assume love. It needs confirmation, dedication and assurance. Sometimes, even when a person shows affection, it doesn't really go with how he or she trully feels. He or she may just be fond of doing those things to you or it's just because he's being nice and friendly.

 

Gyaaaahhh. Ok, soaking my eyes into tears, when I woke up at 1:58 in the morning. No messages, no missed calls, no nothing. I tried calling his phone and I can't connect. I just don't know if his battery got emptied or it's about the network problem. I just cried. Maybe it's just how everything goes. AGAIN. After a bad break up with my past relationships, I just can't really trust someone anymore. It's so hard having this kind of phobia. How I wish I did not entered this kind of relationship. And. And, I was about to say this famous line of bitter girls: All men are the same. Liar, stupid, full of cr*p and all.

 

I just found myself calling God. Praying, and asking Him to hug me, comfort me, to ease the pain. I closed my eyes and hugged my pillow so tight. I rested my phone beside my head and tried my best to sleep. I know I'm asleep but I can see my pillow. My closet. Everything.

 

A few moments later, my phone rang. It's him. He's calling. I checked the time, it's about 3:00 in the morning. I answered it. Hearing his voice made me fall into tears. So helpless. So painful. I can feel my heart torn and crampled into small balls of paper. Struggling itself to bleed. We talked. I've learned that he just got home, I've already thought of that. He was out with friends, and that made me sadder. I can't talk. It's like something is stucked in my throat and my voice can't come out. We fought over the phone and then we're fine. And then we fought again. We were fighting till the sun was about to rise. God. :(

 

But then, love prevailed. I wanna see him. I just want to hug him tight.

 

I love you baby. :(

No one knows, my love for you is So Big.

No one knows, my love for you is So Big. Kanta na lang tayo.

Napakanegative ng aura ko ngayon. Nakarami na rin akong kinain, parang hindi ako nabubusog. Ganito ba talaga dapat katakaw pag depressed? Lels.

Bukod sa ingrown na grabe kung makasakit ng hinlalaki ko sa paa, ano pa ba ang nakakainis ngayong araw? Nasstress ako sa bwiset na pag - aayos ng compliance. Puro papaerworks, tapos mag - isa ko lang tatapusin yun. Di ba sila pwedeng maghire ng isa pa? Para naman may katulong ako. Pucha. Pinapayaman ko sila ng wala man lang akong nakukuhang benepisyo. Leche yan.

Nagising ako kanina na masama yung pakiramdam ko. Malungkot pa ako sa malungkot. O syempre, kasi di ko nanaman nakausap yung shungangers kong jowa. Wala na bang iba? Hay. Kainis ah. Ni hindi niya ako tinext buong hapon kahappon, pati kagabi pag uwi nya, pati umaga kanina hanggang ngayon. Tama ba un? parang hindi yata.

Well, wala kasi akong mapagsabihan. Pucha, baka kasi nauumay na ung mga taong pinag oopenan ko ng paulit ulit kong pagdadrama. hehe. wala din namang makakaintindi sakin kundi sarili ko lang. Tulad ngayon. Gusto ko mang sabihin sa bestfriend ko ung nararamdaman ko, baka sabihin lang niya, Hay naku. Baka pagod na din syang magpaliwanag sakin na dapat positibo. Eh siya nga hindi ko man lang nabigyan ng advice tungkol dun sa lalaking gusto niya. Ni hindi daw ako nakikinig kasi nung mga panahong nagkukwento sya.

Hay. gusto ko ng magresign dito. Hindi ako masaya. Buti pa ung ibang tao, gusto nila ung ginagawa nila. hehe.

Ang konti pa ng sahod ko. Di ka ba naman mababadtrip. Peste yan. hehehe.

Gusto ko ng umuwi. Lahat gawain ko. Sana magsara na tong pinagtatrabahuhan ko para makaexit ako ng maayos. Kesa naman magAWOL ako. Kung resign naman, parang ampanget din. hehehe.


Potaaaa. >.<

Gutom nanaman ako. hehe. kain tayo.

Ewan ko. Hindi ko alam.

 

"Nagmahal nanaman ako. Sumubok. Di ko tuloy alam kung tama tong pinasok ko. Walang kasiguraduhan."

 

Sa totoo lang, natatakot ako. *sad* Di naman sa wala akong tiwala sakanya, ayoko lang maulit lahat ng sakit at pait na naranasan ko dati. Yung iwanan o ipagpalit ka ng taong pinakamamahal mo. Lalo na kung tipong, mawawala na lang siya na parang bula.

 

Kakabahan na lang ba ako lagi? Yan ang hirap pag magkalayo kayo. Hindi ka sigurado kung hanggang kailan kayo ayos, o hanggang kailan kayo magkikita, o kung magkikita pa kayo. Minsan kasi, dumadating talaga sa puntong humihina ang relasyon, yung tipong, sa hindi sinasadyang pagkakataon, may mga nagagawa kayong makakaapekto sa inyong dalawa. Yung mga bagay na akala mo sa inyong dalawa ok lang, pero sa isa pala, hindi. At higit sa lahat, sa hindi inaasahang pagkakataon, yung mga bagay na simple lang, madalas, yun ang may mga mabibigat na epekto sa relasyon. Simpleng hindi pagtetext, kulang sa lambing, at hindi pag - uusap, iilan lang yan sa mga bagay na nakakasira ng tiwala. Nakakalungkot mang isipin, sobrang nakakainis na nakakabwisit at nakakaloka.

 

Hindi ko rin maintindihan kung bakit ko nararamdaman ang mga ganitong bagay. Bumababa kasi ang kumpyansa ko sa sarili ko. Ngayon pa na nalelegal na kame sa halos lahat ng taong malapit sakin. Simula sa mga close friends, sa kapatid ko, at nung nakaraan, sa mga bestfriends ko.  Puro sa parte ng buhay ko. Ayokong mag isip na hindi nya ko kayang isali sa sirkulo ng buhay niya. Paano naman ako pag nangyari ang pinaka-kinatatakutan ko? Pano kung maghiwalay kame? Pano kung iniwan niya ko? Para ko na ring hinila ang sarili ko sa kahihiyan.

 

Heto pa, ewan ko, lagi ko na lang dinadown ang sarili ko. Yung feeling na hindi pa rin nagsisink in sa akin na mahal niya ko. Parang para sakin kasi, hindi ako yung tipong nagugustuhan ng tulad niya. Parang ang dali niya ko mapapalitan. Hay. Lord. T_T

 

Sabi nung matandang kawork ko, pag hindi ka mapalagay, hindi mabuti un. Kasi pag sya na tlga, panatag ka. Nung una naman ganun kame. Pero lagi na lang ba, pagkatapos naming magkita, ilang araw hindi niya ko itetext or tatawagan? O kahit ako na yung tatawag sa kanya, hindi nya sinasagot. Hindi ko alam kung sinasadya nya, para ako na mismo yung sumuko.

 

Nalulungkot talaga ako. Naiiyak. Pero sabi niya, SABI LANG NIYA, ano pa daw ba yung gusto kong ipatunayan niya? Hindi sapat yung sinabi lang niya. Paano naman ako? Wag daw akong mag - isip ng negative things, pero ganun yung ginagawa niya.

 

Minsan gusto ko ng makipaghiwalay. Nahihirapan ako sa sitwasyon. Hay. :( Di ko alam kung kampante siya o nagtitiyaga lang talaga siya. O para lang hindi siya masabihang masama. Hihintayin na lang niyang hiwalayan ko siya? Yung tipong hindi siya ung makikipagbreak para sa guilt free pass? hay. Hindi ko na alam yung iisipin ko. :(

 

Ang tagal kong hinintay para humupa yung sakit na naramdaman ko sa nakaraan, bago nanaman ba to? :(

 

Lord, T____T

Kayo na po bahala. Wag naman pong ganun. please. :((