Yeah right. It's about 12:49 in the afternoon, and my thoughts are still beating around the bush. At one moment, I was not thinking about him, but the rest, I just find myself doing it. Arrrggh.
Well, let me check, it's been days since I talked to him. Heart-bombing, nerve-wrecking, knee-trembling, darn! I just can't get over him.
Last night, I was torn by the thought, "Am I going to wait for him to call or not?" If I will, is he going to call? But if I won't, what if he does?
It is just past 8pm and I'm already in bed. My mom fell asleep early cause she's not feeling well. I messaged my friends and after a while, they stopped replying. I don't know what to do. I was so preoccupied by negative thoughts about him, leaving me. The saddest, scarriest, and the most stupid goodbye known by everyone - the unsaid one.
Maybe, long distance relationships, really have this kind of dilemma. Communication problems, small things becoming bigger issues, trust, time and attention division. These things are some of the factors that influence the success of a relationship. Can love be shown by just actions? How about words? Aren't they suppose to support those gestures? *sigh*
Our main problem as "in relationship couple" is that, I do care a lot. I express words and actions at the same time. In his part, he does care, he does love me, but how will I know if he really love me if he doesn't reassure me? Will I just be fed off with his way of things? Daaangggg.
They say actions speak louder than words. I say, not all the time. Actions need words too. These two things are inseparable. Nobody can just express a vague emotion without complementing an explanation. You'll just leave everybody guessing about how you feel. How can you say "I love you" without proving it? And how will they know if you love them if you do things, but never say something about it? Nobody can ever just assume love. It needs confirmation, dedication and assurance. Sometimes, even when a person shows affection, it doesn't really go with how he or she trully feels. He or she may just be fond of doing those things to you or it's just because he's being nice and friendly.
Gyaaaahhh. Ok, soaking my eyes into tears, when I woke up at 1:58 in the morning. No messages, no missed calls, no nothing. I tried calling his phone and I can't connect. I just don't know if his battery got emptied or it's about the network problem. I just cried. Maybe it's just how everything goes. AGAIN. After a bad break up with my past relationships, I just can't really trust someone anymore. It's so hard having this kind of phobia. How I wish I did not entered this kind of relationship. And. And, I was about to say this famous line of bitter girls: All men are the same. Liar, stupid, full of cr*p and all.
I just found myself calling God. Praying, and asking Him to hug me, comfort me, to ease the pain. I closed my eyes and hugged my pillow so tight. I rested my phone beside my head and tried my best to sleep. I know I'm asleep but I can see my pillow. My closet. Everything.
A few moments later, my phone rang. It's him. He's calling. I checked the time, it's about 3:00 in the morning. I answered it. Hearing his voice made me fall into tears. So helpless. So painful. I can feel my heart torn and crampled into small balls of paper. Struggling itself to bleed. We talked. I've learned that he just got home, I've already thought of that. He was out with friends, and that made me sadder. I can't talk. It's like something is stucked in my throat and my voice can't come out. We fought over the phone and then we're fine. And then we fought again. We were fighting till the sun was about to rise. God. :(
But then, love prevailed. I wanna see him. I just want to hug him tight.
I love you baby. :(
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